It’s been too long. I could go into all the reasons why I haven’t posted but it boils down to mental health and executive dysfunction…
What exactly is executive dysfunction? Its when a person struggles with “normal” cognitive, behavioral, and emotional activities that come more naturally to others. The graphic below shows some of the main activities that are considered “normal” (also called executive functions).
Executive dysfunction can be caused by other conditions, brain injury, trauma, or neurodivergent development. And it’s level of severity can vary from person to person as well.
For me personally I’m great at planning and organizing but only in the short term. To stick with a plan, remember the priorities associated with said plan, or keep up with an organizational system is nearly impossible for me. Or so it seems.
I’m also good at impulse control in specific situations, but in other situations I forget important details and find myself over committed, over spent, and over exhausted.
My ability to maintain control of my emotions is also all over the place. They seem to swell up faster than the blink of an eye. Especially when I’m expected to be immediately flexible in my actions and thinking.
There are also times I waste days struggling to start tasks that I desperately want to complete, but for some reason I can’t seem to hurdle the initial commitment to do so. I feel like a deer in headlights terrified, knowing I need to just move but frozen by a non existent threat. Only to realize later that the task would have only taken about an hour to accomplish had it not been for the few days I avoided it.
And the list of my struggles and examples goes on and on. It’s an invasive weight in my life holding me back from my true potential. I know the general consensus is to “just do it!” And I’m capable of that for a while. But the truth is I can’t maintain that level of self-force for long.
You see executive dysfunction and having limited spoons (or energy from other health issues and external stimuli) doesn’t add up. The amount of energy I have to physically, emotionally, and mentally push myself doesn’t come close to the amount of energy it takes to complete a days worth of tasks. Let alone build the habits I need to become more efficient over the long term.
It feels like I’m drowning in a pile of to-dos, chores, self care, expectations, etc. And every day I get more and more behind. I’ve cut most of my activities down near the bare minimum and I still can’t get half of a days tasks done on a consistent basis.
I’m constantly choosing between things like brushing my teeth or washing my hair. Having a social life or making my doctors appointments. Eating dinner or going to sleep early because I have nothing left to give to the day.
I’m tired and I don’t know how to get out of this cycle. I’ve tried everything I know to try and nothing sticks. For the very reason I need a routine and a system, I’m unable to follow any I put into place.
I didn’t write all this for pity or sorrow. I wrote it because I know I’m not the only one dealing with this. I know I’m not alone but I didn’t always know that. And I want to do my part at helping whoever I can to also feel less alone.
If you’re struggling with similar issues please don’t hesitate to reach out or leave a comment. I’d also love any advice or suggestions you may have! We can all be here for each other and work to help everyone out! That’s all for now, so until next time don’t forget to have a nap and a snack!
*Don’t forget to subscribe so you never miss a post.